Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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