Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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