There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
