Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
