i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You may now shotgun with the bride
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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