Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
