3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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