Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
