I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
