Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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