this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
