i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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