He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
