I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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