Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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