toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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