peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
