He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
