Umm I'm too high to move.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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