the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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