So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
