I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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