I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
