Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
