I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
