First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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