Umm I'm too high to move.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think your dad took our porno
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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