I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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