i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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