Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
