Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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