my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.