3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
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He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
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Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
YAS. BRING CRAB.