I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
