i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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