what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
