My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
