he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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