Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
