I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
