I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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