Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
