I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
