she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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