You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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