Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
