fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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