once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
