let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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