i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
