Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
