dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
