Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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