mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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