You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
