why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
