The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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