Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
