a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
