Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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