Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Let's paint friendship bongs
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
