I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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