the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
