Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
